Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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