oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
