My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
