Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
