he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
