Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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