I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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