I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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