I hate all girls vehemently.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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