I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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