my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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