The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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