you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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