Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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