I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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