I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
