my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
