your thong is hanging out like whoa
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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