I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
