When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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