Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
