my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
