I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
