He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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