Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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