News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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