Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
