my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
