even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he thought i was a dude.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
