Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
love makes seman taste better
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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