all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
