yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It's blow job season.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
