I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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