These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
