you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
