I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
