New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
