just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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