well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
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Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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