I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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