my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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