Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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