the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
