that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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