You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
