Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
