i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
