I think I just saw someone hide a body.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I pour the whiskey from now on
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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