I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
