I'm so fucking centered right now
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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