i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
