My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
