i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
