He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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