I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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