My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
