pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
