i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
