mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
